I hate when I ask someone to borrow something (like their iPod) and they say to me, “Sure, Steve. Just don’t drop it.”
I’m glad you said something because I was going to smash it on the ground the second you handed it to me. But, now that you’ve warned me there’s now way I can make that look like an accident.
Next time I’m just going to cut right to the chase and ask you if I there’s something of yours I can break.
I strongly dislike when people invite me to things but make it super-unappealing for me because they clearly don’t want me to go.
“So the reservation’s for 19 and there’s barely any room left – just one chair and it’s nailed to the ceiling and it has a maximum weight capacity of 5 lbs less than you weigh but if you really want to go, I’m sure it’s no big deal. All you have to do is call the birthday girl – even though you’ve never spoken her in your life — and she only speaks Hindi, no English — and just ask her to put you on the list for her private birthday party – the one for friends and family only with no Steves.”
I’m not a fan of when performers say “controversial things” at concerts just to make people like them or think they’re cool. That doesn’t work in real life like when your girlfriend’s about to break up with you because she just caught you cheating on her and she’s been screaming about how much she hates your guts for hours until finally she says, “Well? What do you have to say for yourself?”
And I yell out “WEED!”
She doesn’t start clapping.
One time I was at a Mailbox Etc. and was told that the bathrooms are for customers only. And I was like, “I just got to make a pee-pee. Please!” But the woman was rude and she was like, “Sorry. Customers only.” So I said fine. ”I’d like to buy a stamp.” I paid my 37 cents, got the receipt, took a shit on the bathroom floor and returned the stamp for a full refund on my way out the door.
But later that day I had to mail something so I went back and bought another stamp. Man that place smelled like shit.
Can the cellphone companies just get together for a weekend and agree that pressing # after you’re done leaving a message brings you back to the main menu instead of sending it after you just finished recording a message that ended like this:
“…oh my God, I’m such a loser. I’m recording that again.”
“Your message has been sent. Goodbye.”
It really bothers me when people stare at a paintings at an Art Gallery for really long time s because they have now idea what to do. So here’s the SECRET: What you’re SUPPOSED to do is count to 30 in your head and then move on while making a face that says, ‘interesting’ even though you can’t wait to get the fuck out of there.
How Was Your Flight?
“Terrible! I had a layover in Atlanta for two hours. THEN right as we’re about to board they get on the loud speaker and delay us another hour… Finally, they get us all on the plane and we’re about to take off until the captain comes on and says they’re holding us for weather. I look out my window and it’s 90 degrees and sunny – so I said, ‘Maybe we should just drive the plane there!’ didn’t I honey?”
Why do you think I actually care about your flight? I was just asking because we have nothing in common and I have nothing else to say to you. What I really want to know is when are you going home?
Phone Rings in the Middle of the Night in a Movie or TV Show
People in movies and TV shows always turn the light on before answering a middle-of-the-night-phonecall. WHY?! WHY ARE YOU DOING THAT?
I feel like it was done once and people just thinkt that’s how you’re supposed to make a ‘middle-of-the-night-phonecall’ scene. It’s how it’s done.
If there’s one thing I know I would definitely do if the phone rang in the middle of the night (other than answer it) it would be to turn on 150 watts of blinding light two inches away from my face at three in the morning. But then again, I’m just being logical.
Ever get this text from someone you haven’t spoken to in 10 years?
“Hey! This is my new number. Just thought you‘d like to know.”
Thank you. That’s one more number I’ll make sure to never accidentally dial. LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA!
Friend Driving Me to the Airport
Whenever I’m running late to the airport and my friend agrees to drive, he all of a sudden will not break the speed limit. He goes extra slow on purpose just to try and teach me a lesson.
But ultimately it is I who teaches him the lesson because I have lied about my departure time, and we left 3 hours before we had to and I made him drive me to the wrong airport first. This way he guns it across town to the right airport because he hates me so much and he can’t stand being in a car with me. There’s definitely a lesson in there.
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